


eyes wide open when you're dreaming

by tobewritten



Series: what if it cost you your heart? [4]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Depersonalization, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-23
Updated: 2017-12-23
Packaged: 2019-02-19 00:42:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13112130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tobewritten/pseuds/tobewritten
Summary: but the worse? The worse is that you didn’t start out feeling like this. Feeling so shitty about yourself that you can’t even function anymore.that you don’t even want to function.





	eyes wide open when you're dreaming

**Author's Note:**

> A next part of the series! This talks a bit more in depth of Dissociation/Depersonalization.

  
There are days like today where you’re just utterly and suddenly empty and void of all emotions. That you find yourself floating on the surface of the earth like a phantom through walls and people.

but the worse? The worse is that you didn’t start out feeling like this. Feeling so shitty about yourself that you can’t even function anymore.

that you don’t even want to function.

You just want to simply be. You don’t want to talk, you don’t want to think, you don’t want to do anything. you just want to

simply. be.

you find that you can only do the minimal of what’s needed to be done. You can’t find it in you to do anything else above the minimum.

Gosh, and to think that you started out fine this morning. You had woken up today with relative ease. You were ready to take on the world, was actually looking forward to interacting with your friends and your family.

That when you kissed Maggie on the cheek on your way out, you had plans on making dinner for your girls tonight.

You even texted Lucy a pretty positive-vibe messages, telling her you missed her this morning and that you can’t wait to see her at home.

So you started out fine - on a relatively good morning - so this.... emptiness and void of anything really...

it leaves you reeling and stoning and so out of touch with reality.

The only thing you can do is your mechanical and systemic work in the lab. The step-by-step notion that distracts you a little from falling too much into the void. Your body gets heavier as time ticks by (has it been a few minutes? or has it been hours?). The simple straightforward routine - Pipette 2ml of this, vortex the mixture, run the machine - was like an anchor for you on earth. You still feel yourself floating and you wished that you were out in the field now.

The field that had always been one of the most effective coping mechanism when you get like this. Because you know this isn’t your first time to feel this way. But it’s the first that the vibrations of the gun and the roundhouse of punches is not the one that is keeping you sane. J’onn has yet to clear you for field work and even so, you crave for the feeling of something.

(It’s been almost 2 months and you missed the active duty of the field but at the same time, you know that being more in the lab had been good to you too.)

It’s time like this that makes you doubt everything about your progress. You had thought you were getting better. No, scratch that, you felt yourself getting better. The world was less daunting, less dark and the weight on your shoulders aren’t as heavy as now. You started to open up more to your therapist, and slowly but surely, to both your girlfriends too.

but now...

now it feels like all of it was fake.

that it didn’t actually happen. that you’re here now and wondering what the hell are you doing with your life and what the hell?

There’s a massive shift inside you and you’re reeling.

(you feel yourself getting pulled down and under and god, no no no you can’t let it win.)

but at the same time, you can’t even feel.

nothing feels real anymore. you’re going through life in auto mode. and you don’t know

what

is

going

on.

Your hands start to tremble a little and you grip the table to calm yourself down. You really want this to stop.

\---

It weighs heavily on you and it feels like there’s an anvil on your shoulders.

you’re so tired. you just want it to go away.

it feels like your soul has retreated back into a cave, leaving the controls of your body and emotions unattended and feigning for themselves.

you want it to go away and its draining you so so much.

A part of you contemplated on calling Lucy to pick you up on her way home. But you don’t know how to do that without letting her see all of this. you hated to make it seem like you’re sad again. because you’re not.

you just can’t feel anything at the moment.

But you also really regret deciding to walk home after your shift ended.

Somehow the world seemed a little too loud and a little too bright. A car horn startled you and you had to clench your fingers tight to keep yourself from fleeing. The darkness that envelope the sky makes the lights on the streets even brighter and you hate having to squint your eyes as you walk along the pavement.

nausea washes over you as you cross the road and your feet become unsteady. Your vision becomes fuzzy and you’re really not sure if you’re actually floating right about now.

you had to stop yourself from crossing another road when you realize that you can’t even focus on the traffic light.

the colors mash and swirl together.

the weight on your shoulders get heavier and you feel your body wanting to sink into the ground.

this is taxing. nothing feels real anymore and you wish you can just hold onto something.

you need your girls. you need them now.

you fished out for your phone and stared at it for a moment. The fingers curling around the phone seemed almost foreign to you. It flexes and you seemed almost in a trance as you try to figure out how it's moving.

it pressed a number on your phone and then Maggie’s on speed dial.

“Hello? Alex?” the sound of Maggie’s voice muffled through the phone brought you slightly back to the ground and you breathed as you place the phone to your ear.

“Alex, honey? Are you there?”

you listened, let it tether you till something inside you is placed back properly into its puzzle piece.

“Maggie? Can you pick me up please?” you whispered.

“Of course baby, tell me your location?”

you stared at the sign that shows the street name in front of you and you find yourself having to spell out the name since you can’t quite figure out how to work your tongue to pronounce it.

“Stay put, babe. I’m coming,”

and then the line cut and you’re sitting on the curb of the road, staring into the sky and seeing speckles of dust floating around you.

you wonder what’s wrong with you. how could you feel like this when you’ve been trying so hard to be better. That the progress and recovery had been nothing but your imagination.

that you being better wasn’t real. That this is the real you.

that you’re always destined to be this ... empty and numb and unsatisfied.

god, you hate yourself.

your fingers fidget and you still think that it’s not yours but you’re rubbing your own neck and this is your body. this is yours. this is you.

you don’t know how long time has gone since your call to Maggie.

“Alex, it’s time to go,” Maggie’s voice broke through your haze and you startled a little.

you feel the weight getting heavier on you as you looked up and wondered when had Maggie arrived to take you home.

your shoulders are drooping and your mouth is sealed tight and you know you should respond to your girlfriend but you can’t find the energy to do so.

“babe? what’s wrong?”

and it’s the automatic response that flew out of your mouth before you could stop and think about it.

“i’m fine. just tired,” you whispered.

Maggie hadn’t said anything else to that and you hope she doesn’t call you out for that lie.

There’s something bothering you. you just don’t know what.

She reached out her hand to you

but you don’t feel like you want to be touched right now. you don’t feel like your body is yours and that anything foreign would burn through your skin.

(maggie is safe, maggie is familiar, maggie is love.)

so instead, you linked your pinky with her and ignore the frown etched on your girlfriend’s face. Your heart thumped fast against your chest as the touch seemed to be grounding yet so out of place at the same time.

she feels warm and soft and calm and you’re floating back down to the ground a little.

you really don’t know what is wrong with you.

\---

the world is unfamiliar.

no, wait.

the world is familiarly unfamiliar.

deep in your subconscious mind that you know this is your apartment, that this is your living room and it's your couch.

you know it.

you just can’t seem to comprehend it.

you jumped as you heard a crash coming from somewhere in the apartment.

“sorry, it’s just the spoon” lucy mumbled softly.

you stared at the fireplace.

the little amber and sparks crinkling from the fire were all that you could focus on and for a moment they all seemed so surreal you can’t believe they’re actually a thing that exists.

you can’t believe you’re a thing that exists.

The couch dipped beside you and you barely registered it as Lucy settling down beside you.

She held out the mug in her hand and you slowly curled your fingers around it.

The warmth of the mug makes you feel slightly real. slightly, like the haze in your mind is getting thinner.

you don’t know what’s going on with you and you want to tell Lucy what’s wrong.

you really do.

you just don’t know what’s the problem in the first place.

“here,” Maggie whispered as she padded back into the living room with multiple blankets in her arm.

She dropped the blankets on the coffee table and start stretching them out on the floor. You watched her do the work, unable to voice out and ask what she’s doing.

it took a while. But you realized she had covered the space between the couch and the tv with blankets in what seemed like a makeshift blanket fort you used to do when you were a kid.

She settled beside Lucy, who hadn’t shifted closer to you at all and you’re more than grateful for space.

The slight weight of the blanket pressing on your thighs makes the heavyweight lighter.

you still don’t know what’s wrong.

but you’re starting to feel like you’re existing again.

the volume of the tv was really low but it still feels really loud and you curl your legs into yourself as a shiver ran through your spine. you shift the warm mug and let it rest on your sweatpants-clad thigh.

you soaked in the heat and let it wrapped your soul from flying out into space.

there’s a ring, and there are soft murmurs and then it’s Maggie apologizing that she has to go to work.

“i’m so sorry. I’ll be back as soon as possible. I love you, Alex,” Maggie whispered, kissing your cheek softly.

The feel of her lips lingered and ghosted your skin.

it doesn’t feel real.

the room stands into silent again and you feel Lucy fidgeting by your side. You could see from the corner of your eyes that her fingers are twitching, that she’s dying to touch you. You know she itches to help you, to ask you what’s wrong, to fix whatever it is that’s broken. But you also know that you’re still feeling a little out of sorts to explain what’s going on.

it doesn’t feel like something’s broken inside you. it feels as if something’s missing and you’d like it back, please.

so instead, you shift and you lay your head on Lucy’s shoulder and the moment her arm slung around your shoulder, the world seemed to narrow down and stopped being too big for your small mind.

you breathe easier now.

and before you know it, you placed your mug down and your body is pressed up tightly against Lucy. You swung your legs over her thighs till you’re practically sitting on her lap and she holds you tight across the waist and your legs.

you bury your head in the crook of her neck.

and for the moment, all you could breathe is Lucy. All you could feel is Lucy. All you can focus on is Lucy and that steadies the thing inside you.

you feel a shift, another puzzle piece settling back into its place and the world comes down a little from their high.

\---

the next few days weren’t any better but you were swamped with deadlines and you’re getting more involved with R&D’s latest project more than you’d think you would.

you continued on life systematically.

you hadn’t had time to pretend that you even catch whatever that is going on around you. You didn’t have time to pretend that you forgot every little thing the next moment.

all the while, you’re distancing yourself from everyone too. Almost as if you’re avoiding them but you’re so out of it that you can’t recognize yourself when you’re with them.

so you... simply maneuver your way around not seeing anybody.

it’s affecting them. You know, they’re wondering what’s going on. You know that if this last too long, they’re going to intervene and they’re going to have you to talk.

and you don’t want that to happen. because you love them and you trust them and you don’t want them to think like you don’t.

and neither are you ready to talk to them. (you’re still trying to tell yourself that this is okay.

that you’re okay.)

so you plan on telling both Maggie and Lucy this, whatever it is, but after you get yourself together.

\---

It wasn’t until you really feel like you were going to pass out in the lab when you decided that you truly need a break. You can’t go on like this-this heavy emptiness and this out-of-touch reality.

So you called J’onn at 5 the next morning - forty minutes before your alarm would ring, and you lied that you’re sick.

J’onn saw right through it and gave the day off to you anyway.

It was Maggie who found out first that you’re not going to work despite being in the middle of a very important project.

One look at you and she decided to call in sick too.

You almost stopped her. Almost. (your heart swell and you could feel tears springing to your eyes.)

You and Lucy shared kisses on her way out while she’s apologizing profusely for not being able to stay home too, that the meeting is important and no no, she’s not prioritizing work over her loves but -

you shared a soft smile with Maggie and pulled Lucy in by the lapels of her jacket.

“It’s okay. As long as you come home every night,” you whispered.

“I will, promise,”

So now, you and Maggie decided that despite the tempting ideas to stay and roll around the bed all day, some sun would be nice.

You dressed up casually, putting in more effort that you would like because you wanted to feel good and it’s all about self-care and you really want to make up for the past few days to your girls. one by one.

you’re clutching Maggie’s hand tightly as the two of you took a stroll in the park. There are words caught in your throat and you’re awfully silent that Maggie would have noticed by now.

She let you be though, and you’re immensely grateful for it.

But you need to tell her. You need to tell her because you trust her and you love her and she deserves to know. and you know that if you don’t, you’re creating a gap or void between you and the people that you love without so much of a reason.

the bigger the gap, the easier it is for them to cut you off. But you can’t live without them.

(2 months ago you would have hidden and you would have pushed her away. 2 months ago, you would have dealt yourself the same way you’d deal an uncooperative enemy. )

“There are days...” you paused. closed your mouth. breathe and decided to hell with it.

“Sometimes the world doesn’t feel real to me. Sometimes, i don’t feel like I’m in my body and i get so out of sorts and weird and...

i’m sorry. For the past few days. For making it seems like i’m avoiding you and Lucy but i... I needed to recenter myself and -”

you’re rambling now and Maggie squeezed your hand tighter and pulled you closer to her.

“breathe, baby girl,” she muttered and you did as you’re told.

“I really am sorry. I know i should’ve gone to you instead of just avoiding everyone but I-I didn’t know how. And i needed time to figure it out for awhile. I’m really sorry,”

“Alex, hey look at me,” Maggie said softly. You turned and she cradled your cheeks in her warm palm. You melted at the touch and bask in the feeling.

“I love you. And you were taking care of yourself. Sometimes, it’s okay to want to be alone. Sometimes, you have to figure it out yourself. Just as long as you don’t hurt yourself in the process... Did you?”

you shook your head. Maggie nodded firmly and everything in her eyes states that she trusts you, that she loves you and that she knew you just needed time.

her other hand settles on your waist and you hum in delight.

“I love you. And it’s okay. I’m glad you trust me enough -”

“I trust you a lot.”

Maggie’s dimple deepened and you couldn’t stop yourself from kissing it.

“I know. I’m glad you tell me this. If there’s anything you need me to do, tell me. Or Lucy. You know we love you. and we’re here for you,”

“I know. I trust you. The two of you. “

She pulled you closer and you’re leaning in and your lips touch and it feels like you haven’t kissed her like this in months. You missed it. it feels like you’re coming home.

“Luce probably wants an explanation too. She almost wanted to call you out for it - the erm distance thing,”

you nodded your head and ran your fingers through your hair.

“I will tell her. I just... maybe tonight and maybe... you could be there too?”

“anything you need,”

“I love you,” you kissed her again.

\---

you didn’t get to tell Lucy that night.

there was an emergency. An emergency that required both your detective girlfriend and your Director girlfriend. And it would have required you if you’d been clear on active duty.

So you’re sitting on the couch, nursing a bottle of ginger ale and trying your damn hardest to avoid the News channel.

They’re coming home to you safe and sound tonight.

and so is your sister.

and they’ll look out for each other even when lately, you can’t look out for them right now. So they’re going to be alright.

you just have to tell yourself that.

\---

You weren’t sure when you fell asleep on the couch but you’re waking up and the apartment is still empty.

your heart lurched through your chest and force yourself to think positive.

(you feel something inside you tipping off balance and you’re trying so hard to pull yourself together but it’s not working.

you’re sinking deeper into yourself.)

\---

The door creaked and your eyes flew open. The morning sun enters through the crack of the curtains and you barely registered it as the morning when your girlfriends walked through your door.

your first reaction was sighing in relief.

until you see that Lucy’s arm is in a sling, and Maggie’s limping.

Kara’s behind them looking as fine as her Kryptonian skin would allow and you rushed forward to them.

you checked your girlfriends first while Kara hangs hesitantly at the back.

_they’re okay. they’re okay. just a sling and a limp. nothing else major._

“what about you? are you okay?”

Kara gave you a small smile and a shrug. That hadn’t really been a convincing answer so you prodded her face around and her body to make sure that she really is okay.

“I came in late. They didn’t call me until they found out there’s more than what they’re prepared for. I-”

you know Kara was about to apologize.

“no. it’s not your fault. You wouldn’t have known,”

“but I should have still-”

“no, Kara. You had other work too. and that’s okay. This isn’t on you,” you patted her cheek softly before dragging her into your house.

Lucy and Maggie had already crashed onto the bed and you smiled softly at that.

your girls are okay.

you’re believing it but your inside feels missing.

you called your therapist and booked an appointment.

Kara looked at you and placed a reassuring touch on your shoulder.

“I’m proud of you,” she whispered. Your eyes glistened and you pulled her in for a tighter hug.

“i love you, Kara,”

\---

you’re trying to stay grounded and focus your attention on Lucy whose retelling the entire showdown between the DEO - NCPD and the un-named alien with fervor and enthusiasm.

Maggie suppressed the laughter that’s building up inside her and you’re trying to stay focused and you’re half-listening, half- trying too hard to listen.

Your eyes followed her lips and you’re trying to make sense of some words leaving her mouth and it doesn’t feel as if you’re here right now.

it’s like you’re watching yourself watching Lucy.

it’s a few layers of fucked up. but your therapist had said that it’s something called dissociation. Something more to depersonalization.

and putting a name to it - to what you’ve been feeling - it makes you feel less crazy.

that there are others out there with the exact same thing despite having no words to actually explain what it really is.

“baby, are you okay?”

you snapped out of your thoughts and your mouth opened automatically but you shut it and bit your tongue to stop the lie from coming through.

you wanted to shake your head, nod your head, but end up doing a shrug instead and you’re confused. (right now, you feel like a balloon floating in the air, the strings tethered to a post that’s barely hanging on. right now, you feel like you can focus if you force yourself hard enough.)

you looked down at your weird fingers and intertwined them with Lucy’s right hand. Maggie watches you with empathy and reassurance. You used that as a strength because Lucy looks very worried and you don’t want her to think that you’re pushing her out.

“i... there’s this thing called Depersonalization,” you started.

Lucy melted as if she was preparing to fight you if you were about to lie again. The tension in your body seeped out as Lucy snuggled closer to you, pulling you to her side and holding you close.

“it’s like... sometimes i feel so unreal in this world. Like i’m watching a movie. of my life. of my actions -” you sighed out in frustration. There really are no words for you to describe what you feel.

“everything just feels unfamiliar. like i’m new to a place or like it’s not really me controlling what i’m doing. like i feel so weird inside my body,”

Lucy nodded her head and her eyes are full of love that it renders you speechless.

“Do you... Had you felt like this before?” she asked you.

“Yeah. I... even before Jeremiah’s death. I had it on and off, especially during a more stressful period. My therapist said it’s one of the symptoms of uh... of, you know,” you scratched the skin behind your ear, feeling a little awkward and a little uncomfortable.

“of?” Maggie pushed and suddenly it feels like you’re back in the bar, coming out to Maggie for the first time and thanking her for helping you learn about yourself.

“of uh... that thing about - “ you breathed quicker and panic clasped onto your throat. you shook your head and squeezed Lucy’s hand tighter.

“of depression.” you finally settled on.

Your heart pounds in your chest but it’s almost muted.

“oh, baby. I love you. I love you so much,” Lucy whispered as she kissed your forehead.

“Is that why you’ve been distant lately?” She continued and you nodded your head vigorously.

“yea... yeah. I needed time to figure it out. I’m sorry i didn’t- i hadn’t come to you. I just needed to be alone,”

“that’s okay. I’m glad you told us. Just maybe, next time, you can warn us that you want to be alone? you made me really worried,”

and to be fair, Lucy’s right. You could tell them you just want some time on your own. It’s better than just ghosting everyone and anyone and create misunderstanding.

“yea, I will. I’m still sorry,”

“that’s okay, baby,”

Maggie moved towards the couch to squeeze you in the middle and you sighed in content.

“Love you,” Maggie said.

“I love you too,”

and two months ago, you’d have thought that you wouldn’t get through this, that there is just darkness deep within your soul and heart. but now...

now you’re more than certain that light does exist and you’re able to reach it... just baby steps.

 

**Author's Note:**

> please leave Kudos and comments if you like this!
> 
> because I need validation that people like what i write :)
> 
> if you have any prompts you can leave them in the comments below or hit me up anytime @ the-girl-at-the-back.tumblr.com


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